The Shoebox

• A few posts ago now I had started to recount some of my personal history of abuse, particularly the very first memory of my father turning into a monster right before my eyes.
• I feel ashamed of myself and almost find it irritating that although my father passed away this past January, somewhere deep inside I am afraid that opening these wounds will come back to haunt me.
• This will not stop me however. I feel that these things have shaped the person I have become today. Without the physically and emotionally abusive history I have, I would most likely be nowhere near as strong as I am.
• It is sad and ironic that I can say that.
• Don't get me wrong. There are a lot of people out there in abusive situations that will completely destroy them.
• More than anyone would ever want to count.
• We turn our heads away. We don't know all of the details. We don't want that kind of trouble. We are scared. We get upset. We feel sick. We walk away.
• I don't anymore.
• One day I was leaving Wal-Mart and watched a man grab a woman by her hair and literally DRAG her toward a car. She looked scared to death. She froze. I screamed. I yelled. I ran at him. He ran. At this point people actually stopped looking away. People noticed. People responded. Three or four men left thier carts and ran after the man and tackled him. Three of them sat on him while I called the police.
• The man. Her abusive ex-boyfriend. She had left him. He came there that day intending to abduct her. Rape her. Kill her.
• They found a gag, rope, several knives and a gun in his vehicle.
• He would have followed through.
• The woman was safe but she had to quit her job and move to another town altogether to get away.
• I was later told that I was probably the only reason she is still alive. The sheer weight of that statement was more than I could handle.
• I have been that woman. I was in no danger of rape or murder, but I have been her. It's a paralyzing fear. You can't breathe. It's hard to think. When the world starts moving again, it's like you are inside your head screaming "Move" at a slow motion movie.
• Sometimes the only thought is "I hope I survive this time, please don't let me die".
• It really does feel like you are dying. When you get punched in the face so hard that they have to take CAT scans just to be sure there are no broken bones, only bruises. When you get grabbed by your hair and thrown down a flight of stairs because the laundry stopped and you haven't changed it fast enough. When he gets to that beer where it doesn't matter anymore, whether you are his wife, lover, girlfriend, or just his child. When no matter what you do it's never good enough and the beatings knock you to the ground. When you can't stand up anymore, so he just starts kicking you..... When you WANT to die, just so you don't have to live like this anymore.
• I have wanted nothing more than to just take my own life more times than I can count in my past. The only reason I never did was because I was the thing keeping him from turning on my brother. He was just a baby. I could handle it. I have handled it my whole life. I can't hurt myself. He just hurts me, but he'll kill my brother. If he doesn't kill him, he'll destroy him. If my brother's lucky, he'll mold him to be like him, at least then he won't get hurt.
• I was lucky enough to get out. I got into a situation with my husband where we can support my mom and brother. I called my mom and told her to pack. We moved them out. They live with us. My brother has grown up into a good man.
• I fight with myself EVERY DAY, I have to remind myself that I am not worthless, that I AM good enough. That I am allowed what I have. That I AM an amazing parent.
• I am fortunate to be married to a man who is understanding of my depression and understands that some days when he tells me he loves me and I burst into tears that it's because I feel lucky and I am still fighting that war inside. The one that says I DO deserve it.
• I think I have rambled enough at this point. If you are still with me, thank you for reading.

*I am sorry that I am so random at this point, but I am sort of just writing how I feel as I flash back to thoise low points in my life. I am bawling my eyes out and I doubt that my grammar or spelling will be up to par, but I think that part of the reason people tend to sit and watch is because it's so hard to imagine. I will ask that any negative comments NOT be submitted. This is hard enough. I will NOT allow negativity on this post. It's sad enough.*